Harry Potter and the Enchanted Cheese Grater
by XbutteredXtoastX
Summary: One day Harry, Ron, and Hermione discover something magical... RonGiant Squid 'rape'. Hermione as a hippie. Not as bad as it sounds! One-shot (thank the lord)


_**A/N**: Can you tell how bored I was one day? Whoa... Ya... well... I came across this page of 'Rejected Harry Potter Titles' and this one was there. I just thought to myself 'Whoa... I could do so much stuff with this...' My first 'randomness' story so bear with me if it stops making sense, but we must all remember that I never make much sense in general... Obviously all waaaaay out of character... Anyway, on with my strange, strange tale... _

_**Harry Potter And The Enchanted Cheese Grater** _

It was another sunny day at Hogwarts. Harry Potter was walking outside with Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, his two best friends, when the three of them all of a sudden saw something shiny in the lake.

"Ohhh!!! Shiny! " Ron exclaimed! He quickly ran over to it. He was about to pull it out of the water when all of a sudden a great, big, black tentacle came out of the water trying to grab the shiny object as well. Another leg came quietly out of the water and wrapped around Ron's legs.

"AHHHH!!! Sexual Abuse!!!! Sexual Abuse!!!!!!!!! Get it off! Get it off!!!!!" Ron yelled to no one in particular.

"Don't worry ickle Ronnie-kins! I'll save your hiney!" Hermione proclaimed. "Squeezy Cheesy!" she yelled swishing her wand in no particular way. A huge block of cheese started to fall from the sky. "Oops... must be the wrong spell..." Hermione muttered to herself.

Meanwhile, Ron was still yelling 'Sexual Abuse!!' while thinking that the squid was raping him and Harry decided that he wanted the shiny object for himself. He tiptoed over to the edge of the lake and carefully dipped a toe in. He quickly pulled it out shivering, "Holy crap it's cold! Better get it over with then." And with that he did a perfect dive into the very shallow water. He hit his head on a rock, on a log, in the shallow, shallow water of the lake and went unconscious after he stood up and announced to every one, "The world is against me I say! It's a plot involving squeeze cheese that doesn't have to be refrigerated and evil rubber duckies! Oh the horror." With that, he fell back down into the water. K/O!

Hermione was having trouble... she had to save Ron from that really rather large squid that seemed to be cutting off his oxygen supply now... What to do, what to do... Then she got a plan! "I've got a plan!" she declared. And with that she skipped off saying 'Tra Laa Laaaa' to make a daisy chain for her hair. She would make peace with the squid! The was the only solution to the problem!

Ron was having trouble... He couldn't breathe anymore. He watched Hermione skip off wondering where she was going. Then for some reason the squid let go of Ron, dropping him on top of Harry. Ron looked over and saw Neville Longbottom with his wand out. Ron passed out. It was just too much for him to cope with at once. Giant squids are so much scarier than Volders. Just don't tell him that.

Neville wasn't having trouble... He was glad he'd practiced that Squeezy Cheesy spell. Everyone knew that squids loved cheese. Especially squeeze cheese from a can. Then Neville saw something shiny in the water. He hopped over and picked it up. It was a cheese grater!!!! Now time to check in Ron and Harry's pockets. Alas! Nine sickles and a dung bomb! This must be his lucky day! He pranced off happily into the sunset that had suddenly appeared in the middle of the day. When he made it a kilometre away from the lake, the cheese grater started to move. It then flew out of his hands and started to rub against his head.

"AHHHHHH!!!!!! THAT HUUUUUUURTS!!!!!!!!" he yelled.

Meanwhile, Hermione had made it back to the lake with daisies in her hair and a tie-dyed tee-shirt on, pamphlets in hand one hand and a peace sign with the other. She stopped in her tracks and saw that Harry and Ron were knocked out, the squid was gorging it's self on what looked like Cheese Wiz from a can and Neville in the distance shrieking in pain.

"My work here is done," Hermione said proudly to no one at all. She tied a cape around her neck that had also appeared all of a sudden and bounced off singing 'Tra Laa Laaaaa!'

Fin.

_**A/N:** And there we have it. Sanity, be gone! Well now that that's out of my system, I wonder what I should do...Maybe I'll go watch Potter Puppet Pals again... can you tell how much it influenced this story? LOL! Maybe I'll go and eat some squeeze cheese from a can... Maybe I'll go plot against people using a rubber duck and squeeze cheese that doesn't have to be refrigerated... Maybe I'll go and plot against the world in a sad attempt to take over the world... Maybe I'll just tie a cape around my neck and skip off saying 'Tra Laa Laaaaa!' I like that last one... _

_Later Days!_

_xbutteredxtoastx_

_P.S. The cape and 'Tra Laa Laaaa!' is from Captain Underpants. I was reading it to my sister. Don't get the wrong idea from it!!! B.T._


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